Illustration by Mel Wang
Content warning for brief mentions of eating disorder.
In the parking lot of some butt-fuck stripmall she watches me try to eat our pizza. Before each bite, I take a breath, as if everything unwanted will stretch its limbs into the air of her car... leave me finally. She remembers when I got frantic. I feel her eyes, their obligation to observe me and the slice in my hand. I am not ashamed of my unraveling-- behind her eyes a fog settles, too. When it formed, I do not know. But for months, I’ve watched its fingers toy with her face, vacate her of life. Clog her thinking, dim her slowly.
Within the wells of my body, a grief churns... wondering why, when we have both turned so muted in our color. The whole parking lot is hollowed, spare some minivans and a jostled THANK YOU bag. “Final Sale” banners hang on awnings; businesses withdrawn. Plots of soil and an emaciated tree stand between us and the buildings. I feel for it, its unconsented existence in suburban hell. Even if we drive, flee this mundane, what becomes of it.
Oregano reeks in the car, so she rolls down the windows. The stench haunts me like a thought. Coats the skin on my arms, sneaks into my body where I don’t want it. I itch. This place is shit, she says, and I can only say I know so many times. Now, I do not know what to offer her. I tell her Soon, like we’ll drive far enough away eventually. Wake up somewhere, hurting less. Maybe light will flush our cheeks with something abundant...
Someday, not today.
After this, I’ll drive home and watch the TV until I forget dinner. She’ll go back into her room, shut the blinds. Let comforters pin her down, contemplate the ceiling paint. All unwilling. Outside of the passenger window I look at some leaves swirling in the lot. Weightless in October’s breath... dead, dancing. Upon the gear shift her fingers hover, drum the leather.
Eleni Mazareas (she/her) is a first year at Barnard College. She is planning on majoring in English and Creative Writing and minoring in Modern Greek. When she’s not at the souvlaki cart, you can find her cocooning on the fourth floor of Milstein.