Momma I’m sitting here right now on the couch thinking how soon I won't be doing this anymore. It hit me while I was washing my face actually. A wave of anxiety washed over me I’m afraid for this to end, our great meals with you sitting across from me. It has been so nice spending this time together your love is so warm and calming. Writing this I’m already missing you and I feel like I need to hold on tight I want to look you in the eyes next time I talk to you. I got to spend all of this time with you and I am so lucky I don't want to take it for granted I just want to take a moment to look at your face right here next time I see you just right at your face and take in your presence. I did the same thing on the couch before I left for France. I was reading my book and you and the dog were asleep on the other couch right next to me and I realized everything was perfect. No matter where I was or if I died in France for some reason I knew that moment was the most perfect life can be. So I made sure to save it, that at any time if I needed to come back here I would be able to. I took ten long breaths, being sure to count carefully each second of the inhale and exhale. I did this ten times, to freeze time, to breathe the moment in me so that it would always be there. When I got too drunk on New Years I went there, and I’m certain I texted you saying something about I can’t wait to be drinking tea on the couch but you couldn’t have understood how I wanted to be there but more than anything I was afraid. Each day I feel like I need to be more present. I feel this kind of urgency to make you so real to me so that you can stick in my mind. The first few days I was home I was so under water I felt like I couldn't even see you. I couldn’t reach out and touch you across this unfathomable abyss. Even though you didn’t want to cross it. But now I think I am finally present. I am finally here with you. I am afraid of going back to school and losing you all over again. Losing myself. Losing sleep and privacy and your kindness. I am so sorry please look me in the face when you talk to me.
(I don’t want time to do anything to her.)
Tristen Pasternak is a freshman at Barnard College. She is unsure of a major; she enjoys playing the trumpet and writing poetry. Tristen is from the Philadelphia area.