This piece was first published in Quarto’s 2021 Spring Print Edition.

My mother and your father used to be drinking buddies back home. Before we moved to America. I never got to know you. I grew up in LA and you in Nairobi. Sometimes I think I would have forgotten you if you hadn’t died. I found out about the crash on BBC’s website. For an entire day I refreshed the webpage searching the names to find a familiar one. I was so relieved not to find anyone I knew. I remember feeling sorry for the family members of the deceased. I think I cried for them. Some sick pleasure in pitying others. I wonder if god was punishing me for my selfishness. I discovered you died the next day from a text my mother sent me on Whatsapp. It was with a photo of you and Menelik in Addis Ababa. You were so handsome. When Michael died it took me a week to believe it. The grief therapist who came to our house said it was part of the grieving process. It wasn’t until I saw his body that I realized he was really dead. They never tell you how fake dead bodies look. I guess it’s not really a pleasant discussion to have. I wonder sometimes if we really have a soul and its loss is what makes dead bodies look so artificial. It’s most likely the lack of blood flow. They never found your body. Your parents had to have a special Islamic funeral for Muslims without a body. My mom used to cry thinking about your father. She would tell me stories about him. How he loved giving friends and family gursha. But I’m sure you already know that. She never mentioned you. It’s hard to talk about the dead. Even now we don’t talk about Michael. When I fly I think of you. I wonder what you thought that day. Did you know you were going to die? Did you make peace with it? Did Michael? I watched a news clip of villagers who watched the crash. They all cried for you and everybody aboard. I felt so guilty crying for you. I felt my pain was somehow selfish. You would be 31 this year. Michael 25. I read that your flight crashed 6 minutes from takeoff. It’s strange how much can change in 6 minutes. I think of you in your captain's hat everytime the captain greets us as we board the plane. I wonder if you greeted the passengers on your flight that day.

Sinet Chelagat (she/her) is a Junior studying Economics and Sustainable Development.